omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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