I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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