Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
