I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
