For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
