She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
