Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
