new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
