Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
