I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
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Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I will be naked everywhere
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I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
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