i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
