In the future we'll all be gay
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
They are going to name an STD after you.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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