Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
