I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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