guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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