dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
