Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
