Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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