Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
