Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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