I puked a lego.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
