my soul wont recognize me after tonight
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
that is very illegal...i love you.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
