I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Randomize
