I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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