1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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