Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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