you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
