Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
