I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
