Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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