I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
