I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I don't deserve a penis
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
