Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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