It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
