I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
