She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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