Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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