If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
