You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
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composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
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He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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