I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
