he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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