Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I just want nice things and good sex
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
