I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
