Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
It's shark week go big or go home
Randomize
