here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
