I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
