Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
