My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
