U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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