woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
