I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
