I heard we made out
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
