He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
