Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Randomize
