mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
We were destined to go to rehab together
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize
